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July 8, 2009 @ 10:20 am

The Weight Thing

armorFollowing Kerro’s description of food-issue-related topics (the Food Thing, the Weight Thing, and the Body Image Thing), I thought I’d  write an entry about the Weight Thing.  I’ll discuss the Body Image Thing at a future date, as that may be the most difficult to write or talk about.

My therapist and I talked about the Weight Thing a bit this week also, in addition to the Food Thing.  I explained that it was the physical pain I was in that persuaded me to change my eating, not my weight.  My “need” for comfort food (and for the perceived safety in keeping my armor of weight around me) outweighs (no pun intended) my desire to lose weight, to feel small, or to wear smaller clothes.

It’s true, I told her, that I miss being more flexible and feeling more “fluid” in my movements, and I especially miss sitting the way she does, I pointed out.  I used to be able to change my sitting position often, from putting one (or both) leg(s) under me, to putting my feet up in the chair beside me, to crossing my legs.  I remember how that felt, and it was great.  Carrying the amount of weight I am carrying now really limits fluid movement.  It makes me feel rigid (not unlike trying to move around while wearing a suit of armor might feel, in fact).  Leaning forward to pick something up from the floor is a major undertaking, and is embarrassing, since my face often turns red.  If my shoe comes untied and I’m in the car, I have to park and get out of the car to tie it.  There is no leaning over and reaching the floor in the car.  When I feel myself about to sneeze, I have to stop what I’m doing and make sure my back is straight, because when I sneeze I can feel my back pop and sometimes it hurts.  (I used to work with a woman who was very overweight and she cracked a rib by sneezing while turned in a funny position.)

I would like to someday be comfortable in my own skin and in my clothes.  I find myself always tugging at my shirt or adjusting the waistband of my pants, which I’m aware probably draws more attention to my body and clothes than I would like, but I can’t seem to stop doing it because my clothes never feel “right”.

I miss sitting in a chair and not feeling the arms or sides of the chair up against the sides of my thighs.  To sit down and have space on either side . . . that is something I would imagine a lot of people take for granted and never give much thought to.  (And I can’t help but wonder how that relates to the feeling of space vs closed-in-ness that has to do with my clutter issues.  I’ll ponder that at some point, but not right now.)

But missing that ease-of-movement, comfort in my own skin, and space around me has never been a strong enough motivator to actually make me face the Food Thing.

It took pain.

I still haven’t formally begun thinking of this as a weight-loss diet, but the foods that have the best IF Ratings are lower in all those things one watches when trying to lose weight, so I know I have cut my calories, carbs, and fats dramatically.  And, feeling better does encourage one to move around more, which I suspect will lead to exercise.  But for now, it’s about controlling pain and feeling better.  And it has begun to be about showing my body that I appreciate it by giving it more of what it needs and less of what hurts it.  And, by doing this, I am being forced by default to face the Food Thing, because I’m having to learn other, less painful ways to comfort myself.

That’s hard in itself, so the Weight Thing will have to come later.

 

6 Comments

  1. Comment by davidrochester:

    I’m really impressed with the work you’re doing. It’s so, so hard to wrestle with these core issues. ((hugs))

  2. Comment by kerro:

    I can only echo what David says. This is really tough stuff, but you’re doing an awesome job! Go gently. I’m glad that my posts could help you, or create comfort for you, or coincidence, or something. (((hugs)))

  3. Comment by kate1975:

    Hi,

    I think you are doing a great job of looking at though stuff. Giving yourself comfort, when it doesn’t involve food, I think, is one of the most difficult things that anyone can do to help them have a better life and to heal their body.

    You are so brave. Good for you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  4. Comment by kate1975:

    Sorry meant to write tough stuff, not though.

    Kate

  5. Ping from The Food Thing – An interlude « Kerro’s Korner:

    […] at the same time as I am – perhaps the stars are aligned, or something, who knows? My dear Tampalama, you are so so brave sharing your feelings and experiences with us, and so openly. Your honesty […]

  6. Comment by mybluefunk:

    I agree with everyone here – you are very brave. One thing and one moment at a time.

    As for clutter … oh yes, for me the clutter and food is all related and why I started blogging in the first place. I’m glad that blogging about these issues has brought me in touch with so many great people who also blog about their struggles & successes. It’s a wonderful support. Thank you for your honesty in your posts.

Thoughts?

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