Home » Adult ADD / ADHD » The One-Year Plan
February 24, 2010 @ 10:58 am

The One-Year Plan

As Kate noticed in her comment here, and as I mentioned again here, SS and I have been working on plans for living together in the future.  Because we live about 1000 miles apart, and because we have both been going through some major life changes in the last year or more, this takes planning.

We compared pros and cons between her moving here and my moving there, and there are some very good reasons why it would be better for me to move there, relating to her job and the fact that she wouldn’t be able to find anything comparable here, and to the fact that New Jersey has Civil Unions.  We would be able to have a legally recognized commitment to one another, which would also enable me to be covered by her insurance.

Without intending for this post to become political, I’m going to take a couple minutes to say that a legally recognized union is important to me for several reasons, but one of them goes back to my first long-term relationship.  My partner had a lot of health problems and was in the hospital several times during the six years we were together.  One time, the doctors were certain she wouldn’t survive.  I was made aware that the hospital staff did not have to allow me to see her when she was in Intensive Care.  That particular stay in Intensive Care lasted for about four or five weeks.  I was allowed in, and they allowed me to stay beyond visiting hours, and I was grateful, but they didn’t have to let me see her.  Had her mother not been there with us, my telling them of my partner’s wishes when she was unable to speak for herself would have meant nothing.  (Her mother had to ask me because my partner and I had discussed that earlier, but she apparently had not told her mother.)

There was an issue where I worked at the time, also, because I was asking to take time off so I could be by my partner’s side at a time when we didn’t know how much longer she would even be alive.  My then-boss, who was trying to help me but also trying to work within the policies of the company, said to me, “Well, it isn’t like she’s your family . . .”

I quickly corrected him and said, “Yes, she is my family,” and he understood but had to pull a few strings to make it possible for me to take the time off that I needed.

These are just a few of the reasons I feel it’s so important to have some sort of legally recognized union option available for same-sex couples.  I respect others’ rights to their opinions, and I recognize that a whole lot of people are a whole lot of uncomfortable, for their own varied personal or religious reasons, with the idea of changing the basic definition of “marriage”, and so I’m fine with calling it something else.  I do believe there needs to be some option, though.

I have some strong thoughts and opinions on this, obviously, but it really wasn’t meant to be the focus of this post.  I tend to try not be political in what I write here, because that isn’t what my blog is about, but I may consider coming back to this topic at some point in the future.

For now, though, I’ll get back to what I was saying when I started. . .

SS and I agree that it would be better, for several reasons, for me to move there.  It’s exciting, but will involve a lot of change and newness to adjust to, and it’s going to be hard for me to leave my family.  I’ve never lived very far away from them.  They are extremely supportive, however, and have told me they want me to follow my happiness.  Mom even reminded me of how she moved away from her own family when she married my dad, and how they went on to live in several states all across the country over the years (Dad was in the military).  SS pointed out that there are often great airfare deals to Florida (more so in the summer, when it’s hot here and nobody really wants to come here), and that with both of us working, we can build into our budget a plan for me to fly down and see my family and Florida friends fairly often.  It actually is likely that I’ll see Sister and my friends almost as often as I do now.  Although Sister and I talk often on the phone, she lives almost an hour away and we don’t see one another more than about once a month or so, sometimes less often.

And so I’m going to embrace a partly-scary, very exciting, feels-completely-like-the-right-thing-to-do new adventure!  Our target time-frame for this is about a year.

Both SS and I have several things we want and need to wrap up before we merge into one household.  We both recognize the importance of doing this “right” and not rushing and doing things before we’re ready, despite the difficulties of maintaining a long-distance relationship for that length of time.  And who knows, of course, we may have all those loose ends tied up more quickly than we anticipate, but for now, the comfortable and “doable” plan is one year.

I’m not writing about SS’s goals for this year, because I don’t want to put her personal business here, but these are my main goals before the big move:

  • Finish therapy properly, by seeing it through to its natural ending point, which I can feel is coming during this year (more about that in a future post).
  • Finish getting my apartment organized, give myself time to appreciate living in a place that feels normal and comfortable, and prove to myself that I can keep it that way.  I’ll also be doing a lot of deciding, during this time, on what to take with me, what to throw away, and what to give away or donate.
  • Finish catching up at work and have a span of time where I can feel I’m consistent, competent, and able to handle all my job duties without screwing up and letting things fall between the cracks.  There will be another post about this soon, as well.  I’m making a lot of progress on the work front (mostly since I’ve been on medication for the ADD), and Boss is planning some big changes for the company over the next several months that include, among other things, the hiring of a third person in the office, to answer phones and handle some other things I do so that I can take on some new responsibilities.  He has also told me a raise is coming soon.  I want to be able to wind down and leave my job on good terms in a year, rather than slinking away in shame, as I would have if I’d left a year ago.
  • Get more control of finances.  SS has been helping me to structure and stick to a budget (more about that in a future post, as well), and I’m finally beginning to get a handle on feeling that I can handle paying my bills and supporting myself.  It’s not easy yet, but I’ve been able to put in some overtime and have begun work on one of potentially two new web sites (yay!), so I’m making it.  My ADD, combined with a too-low income and a long-ago shattered belief in my own ability to handle much of anything that involves responsibility, took a huge toll on my ability to handle financial matters, and I’m in the early stages now of overwriting those beliefs and taking control.  I want to continue in that direction over this next year, and reach a point of knowing that I could make it on my own if I needed to.  Of course, neither SS nor I have any plans of not staying together for the rest of our lives, but it’s a big thing to know that one can make it on his/her own if need be.

I need to do all these things in order to see my own self-worth in a more accurate light.  I’ve had too many years (a lifetime, in fact) of not measuring up, being unable to finish what I start, never feeling good enough, and doubting (or flat-out not believing) that “I can”.  I’m beginning to turn this around, but I’m still in the very early stages of this, and I need to be able to internalize this new image of myself and take it with me into SS’s and my life together.

The truly amazing thing, to me, is that she not only realizes this; she completely understands it, and she was the first to say it in words, when we began to contemplate a life together.  I felt it and I knew it inside, but she verbalized it before I did.

As difficult as it will be to continue doing the long-distance thing for another year, I find a lot of comfort in doing it right, not taking short cuts, and acknowledging and addressing each of our needs in the process.


  1. Comment by sanityisknocking:

    All I can say is…

    Congrats, congrats, congrats! I’m so happy for you. I don’t have the language to tell you how happy I am for you and your new adventure. Enjoy the ride – I bet it’s going to be great!


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